


Say you can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath without me

by Aaaalexxx_Dddanversss



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers Saves the Day, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Kara Danvers is a bisexual mess, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor is a Gay Mess, Mention of Sanvers, They´re in love, james is a douche, mainly supercorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 16:30:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16520027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaaalexxx_Dddanversss/pseuds/Aaaalexxx_Dddanversss
Summary: James outs Kara as Supergirl to Lena, which leads to a loss of trust and a friends breakup.Just that there´s a problem: Lena is still in love with her





	Say you can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath without me

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Hayley Kiyoko, because why not? 
> 
> Also english isn´t my first language, so please don´t be too harsh about any mistakes I might´ve made.
> 
> So all that´s left to say is I hope you enjoy

Dating James was easy. That`s why she had kissed him in the first place. If she was honest with herself that wasn`t the only reason, but what did it matter?

After all she liked him. Or at least she liked the idea of liking him. So was it really that important that she wasn`t actually in love with him?

When he had said “I love you“ for the first time it wasn`t hard to say it back, even though she knew exactly she didn`t mean it. But she loved having somebody to talk to, somebody to hold hands with, somebody she could cry her eyes out with who wouldn`t judge her. So she told herself it wasn`t a complete lie. 

And as she planned on staying with him, maybe even getting married or having a family together she had promised herself she`d never tell him. Or anybody else for that matter. Not that there was anybody she could´ve told.

So no, she didn`t love him, but they had a stable relationship that could actually work out and that was more than anybody with the last name Luthor could ever be hoping for.

But most importantly she trusted him. Actually he was the only person she trusted. And apparently also the only one that trusted her and cared about her. Maybe even the first one wo did.

Once upon a time that person would have been Kara. She was the one Lena told everything to, the one she wanted around when the world was dragging her down, the first person that didn`t judge her by her last name and trusted her. At least she had thought so, before finding out that the very woman who fought anybody that hurt her, did just that.

Kara had lied to her for two years. Pretending to be her friend, while she didn`t even trust her enough to tell her she was Supergirl. And that had hurt her more than any mean article in the press, her mother`s depricating words or even her own self-hatred ever could have.

When James had told her about the reporter`s secret, at first Lena didn`t believe him. At that time they had only been dating for a few months and Kara had been her best friend for over two years, so of course she couldn`t accept that it had been all a lie. 

She remembered that day as if it had been yesterday. After an exhausting day at work she had gone to James´ appartment. It was the first time she had dared to come to him with her problems instead of Kara. When she saw the look on his face as he greeted her she could´ve sworn he was going to break up with her. But what he then said was so much worse.

“I need to tell you something about Kara “

\- “What is it? Did something happen to her? Please tell me she´s okay “

Looking back Lena had never been so worried about anybody ever before and that was the moment she could finally admit the truth to herself. That she was in love with her. Of course she had known that way back, probably as soon as the adorable blonde walked into her office for the first time, but all that time she kept denying it the best she could.

People say that sometimes when you meet somebody it instantly becomes so clear that they matter to you. They say that those moments are easy. Because suddenly you just. Know. And Lena would full-heartedly aggree on this. Knowing that Kara was the one had been easy.

 

The part that was difficult was what they usually forgot to mention. The giant difference between knowing, accepting and doing something about it.

Just that unfortunatly – a word that could be used to describe most of her life – accepting her feelings, in that case, wasn´t followed by actions, but rather by the very words that broke her.

“Kara is Supergirl. She has been lying to you “

James´ face had been hard, not letting any emotions show. And even though on the inside Lena was a complete mess, on the outside she did the same.

“I don´t believe you. She would never “

All he replied was: “Go ask her then “

When she finally arrived on Kara´s porch a few minustes later with tears in her eyes, demanding the answer she was so afraid of getting, the blonde stayed silent. She looked at her with the puppy eyes Lena had never been able to resist, begging for a chance to explain herself, but for the first time her best friend´s feelings weren´t her priority.

Kara had used her. Probably kept her close because of her last name, so she could stop her from becoming the next Lex. After all those times she had proven she wasn´t like her family. She had saved the world even. Twice. But still, in the world´s eyes she could never be anything more than just another Luthor.

So Lena left without looking back. If Kara didn´t grant her a first chance, then she did not deserve a second. After that day she hadn´t seen her again. Instead she went home to her boyfriend and fell asleep in his arms, so desperately wishing they were Kara´s.

Two years had passed since that day. She was still dating James and still didn´t love him, even though she had been trying so hard. Adding to all of her problems, she didn´t even have a friend to talk about it. Before all of that she could´ve talked to Kara, to Sam or even to Alex. But her contact with Sam didn´t stick once she moved away and she couldn´t really talk to the sister of the person that betrayed her.

Of course she could´ve talked to James, but only as long as her problems didn´t involve him or anything that was more serious than a bad day at work. After all, no matter how big the smile she put on everyday, the day Kara broke her heart had also been the day she rebuilt all the walls she had been working so hard on tearing down.

And besides the occasional news about Supergirl, she hadn´t heard anything from her former best friend. Almost as if she had completely dissapeared. But to her dissapointment her feelings hadn´t. The only time she was genuinely happy in those past years was when she had a dream about her and Kara being friends again. When she woke up that feeling of pure joy lasted for a wonderful moment, but then she remembered all the pain she had put her through because of her dishonesty and so she stayed in bed for the rest of the day crying and feeling miserable. To James she made something up about period cramps.

So whatever most people say about heartbreak getting better with time definitely did not apply to Lena. She just got better at pretending that everything was alright.

But it was true. She didn´t see Kara again. At least not until the day that would change everything.

It all started when she ran into Alex at the supermarket. The first time they crossed each other´s path in the aisle they just politely nodded and said hey. A few minutes later she was standing behind Lena in the waiting line. The Luthor could´ve sworn that it couldn´t get any more awkward until the other woman started talking to her:

“So, it´s been a while since… you know”

\- “Yeah”

In her thoughts she added: `Since I found out your sister had been lying to me forever´ 

But of course she didn´t say that out loud.

Not knowing what else to do she finally asked: “So how have you been?”

Alex looked surprised about the question, but then answered with a smile: “Good mostly. I´m back together with Maggie since two months now”

“You are? That´s amazing!”

And she meant it. Even though the two of them had never exactly been really close, she did care about her and as somebody who had repressed her own sexuality for her whole life, Alex and Maggie had always been a sign of hope for her. That maybe one day she finally would´ve been able to be herself. Not that she ever really believed in that.

But then she remembered something:” So what happened to the kids dilemma?”

“We worked it out, actually. Turns out she does want children, it was just too early. After we talked about it, we agreed on adopting once she´s paid off her student loans, so then we´ll be financially stable and both of us can start only working part of the time and have time for the kid.”

But then she cut herself off: “Sorry, you probably don´t want to know all of that, but I´m just so excited”

\- “Oh no, it´s fine, I get it. I´m glad you´re happy”

Alex smile got even brighter and Lena thought her heart could be melting right then and there.

When the Danvers was just about to reply they were interrupted by the cashier: “That´s 27$ madam”

So Lena payed for her stuff and then told Alex goodbye. Little did she know it wouldn´t be for long. On the way to her car suddenly her bag ripped open, letting all of her bought products fall on the ground. Cursing she bent down, starting to pick it back up, when she heard a familiar voice behind her:

“You need some help with that?”

Thankful she nodded, as Alex handed her an empty plastic bag: “This´ll have to do”

When they were done they stayed next to each other for a while until Lena said: “Thank you. And it was really nice talking to you”

\- “Likewise”

As she already turned to leave Alex stopped her: “Lena, wait. I wanted to apologize… for what happened with you and my sister.”

\- “It´s fine, it was a long time ago”, that was a lie, she wasn´t fine with it, so she added some truth: “And anyway, it´s not your fault. I mean, you knew about it of course, but that wasn´t your secret to tell”

\- “It wasn´t James´ either”

\- “But I deserved to know”

\- “You did. And she wanted to tell you. On her own terms. And he knew that, but obviously he didn´t care”

Lena´s heart skipped a beat: “She wanted to tell me?”

\- “Yeah. And that it took her so long wasn´t because she didn´t care about you or trust you. She was just scared it would destroy your friendship once you knew. I just thought you should know”

That wasn´t an excuse, she knew that, but it made her feel a lot better to know that at least not their whole friendship had been a lie. At the same time, it also made it worse, because now she realized, that maybe they could´ve worked through it, if only she hadn´t been so hurt about it. But two years had passed, so it was too late now. Obviously.

“Thanks for telling me”

\- “Sure”

But then she remembered something else: “So James really knew she wanted to tell me herself and he ignored it?”

Alex just nodded and Lena felt the anger rushing through her body. If Kara had told her, of course she would´ve been hurt as well, but definitely a lot less. When thinking about it, she knew that the blonde could´ve regained her trust, if only she had been the one to tell her. So it was at least partly his fault.

But then Alex got a call from work and had to go.

“You know”, she said: “I miss having you around. So does Kara. And just in case whatever you two had isn´t too broken, it´s never too late to fix things with the people you love. It worked with me and Maggie, trust me”

Before Lena could reply and explain that their friendship couldn´t really be compared to a couple getting back together, Alex was gone.

It wasn´t until she was already on her way back home that she realized what she had implied, when saying “whatever you two had” Clearly they had only been friends, not even Kara had known about her feelings, so how did Alex? Had it really been that obvious?

Later that day she was just laying on the couch going over a new project for work, not even thinking about her conversation with Alex, when James came in.

“I´m home”, he shouted as soon as he entered. That´s all it took to bring back Lena´s frustration. As if she didn´t hear the door. Technically what he said wasn´t even true, the appartment was Lena´s and she had successfully stopped him from moving in. She had pretended it was about work, but if she was honest it probably had something to do with her not being as comfortable around him as she´d like to think.

“Well, thanks for letting me know”, she couldn´t help her sarcastic tone and as if that wasn´t enough already she added: “But hey, at least you managed not spilling somebody else´s secret this time”

Clearly he was confused as he asked: “What´s that about? Did I do something?”

“Oh, I don´t know. Try asking the woman you once considered your best friend. Oh no wait, I forgot you wouldn´t care about her answer anyway”

\- “What do you mean? What´s Kara got to do with this?”

Was he serious right now? As if he really had no idea what she was talking about.

“I met Alex today. And guess what she told me?”

As he didn´t answer she just continued: “That Kara wanted to tell me about being Supergirl and that you knew that. And that you told her secret anyway without giving her the chance to do it herself”

\- “That was two years ago!”

Now Lena couldn`t keep it in any longer:” See, you don´t even deny it! And yes, it was two years ago! Two years I wouldn´t have spent without my best friend! Thinking she never cared about me!”

\- “What difference would it even have made if she had told you instead of me? You need to seriously chill, Lena. Are you on your period or something?”

Okay, that was enough.

“Fine, James”, she responded in her calmest voice: “Let´s be chill then, shall we? First of all, it would´ve made all the difference. Second of all, you don´t get to tell me what I need to do. You´re in my home and I am your boss, so I´m the only one here who gets to do that. And what you need to do is leave”

He didn´t react, so Lena repeated it again: “I meant that. Get out!”

After a few moments he slowly turned around without another word and closed the door behind him. In that second Lena knew she had done the right thing. She didn´t have any regrets, in contrary, all she felt was relief, that she didn´t have to pretend anymore. Finally, she realized that she never would´ve been able to be happy with James. No matter how hard she tried.

He had asked what difference it made whether he told her or Kara. The truth was that Lena would´ve been hurt both ways. But if Kara had gotten the chance to be upright with her, she could´ve still trusted her. 

Because of how James had handled things she had spent two years thinking that she never mattered to Kara. That their whole friendship had been fake. That it was just a way to keep an eye on her because of her last name.

But it hadn´t been. She knew that now. It had been real. And all that Kara did wrong was waiting too long. The important thing was that she trusted her and cared about her so much, that she wanted to tell her. That was enough for Lena. And now that she knew that, she had no intention of wasting even just another day.

So now here she was, standing in front of Kara´s appartment. Scared, but excited. Nervous, but filled with more hope than ever in those past two years.

She hadn´t even gotten up the courage to knock yet, when the door slowly opened. Lena could basically feel the tension between them, as finally she stood eye to eye with Kara, who clearly struggled for the right thing to say.

As a reporter she was usually the one who had a gift with words, but now she was just standing there, starring at the brunette as if she had seen a ghost.

“Lena”, she finally gasped after what felt like an eternity. Then she asked: “Is everything okay?”

Instead of answering she asked another question: “Can I come in? I think we need to talk”

She had a baffled expression on her face, but still stepped aside to grant Lena access. Inside it still looked the same. Even the picture of them with Sam, Alex and Maggie was still up. Now it was her turn to be amazed. She couldn´t believe Kara hadn´t taken it down after they had their falling out, when that´s what she herself had done the very next day. Later she came to regret it though and hid a few of their photos in her bedroom drawer, where James would never find them.

They sat down on the couch next to each other, Kara more distant than she used to. On some girls nights they had been cuddled up together beneath the blankets while watching a movie. Those were the times Lena felt like everything was possible, like the world was going to be okay. And now maybe, with a little luck it could be.

She didn´t know if this could ever lead to a relationship, but she didn´t care. She just wanted her best friend back.

Without any more hesitations Lena started right away: “I met Alex today. She said that you wanted to tell me about being Supergirl before James did. Is that true?”

When Kara replied the insecurity in her voice was clearly audible: “Yes. And I´m so sorry I didn´t tell you earlier, I just didn´t know how”

Lena thought about her feelings that she had kept hidden and said: “It´s okay. Really. I get it. My problem wasn´t that you waited a long time, but that I thought you wouldn´t ever have told me. God, I thought that our friendship wasn´t real and that you just faked caring about me”

-“I would never. The only person I care about just as much as you is Alex” Kara looked horrified as she continued, her voice more desperate than she had ever heard: “You matter a lot to me. And I am so so sorry that I am the reason you felt like this. I never meant to hurt you Lena. But I just really want us to be friends again. So if there´s any chance that you could ever forgive, please tell me”

“I think I already have” It was true. “And I really want us to be friends again as well. But I need to know why you couldn´t just tell me. I mean, James knew, Winn did. And even Lucy Lane. You weren´t even that close to her”

-“I´ve thought about that everyday. And I believe that it was so extremely difficult, because we were so close. Do you know that you were the only person I really cared about who just knew me as Kara?”

Lena just shook her head and waited for the blonde to continue.

“And Kara Danvers, that´s who I really am. Not Supergirl. And you were the one who knew her better than anybody, better than I knew myself even. I didn´t want to destroy that, because I was so afraid that once you knew I was Supergirl it would change the way you look at me. And I didn´t want that. I just wanted to be me for once. To be just Kara”

What Lena really wanted to do at that moment was hugging her and telling her that she would always be her Kara. But all she could think about was the thing that she hadn´t told anybody about. It wasn´t a whole secret identity of course. And she knew that Kara wouldn´t care about her being a lesbian, so she should just tell her, right? But instead she decided to make it about her last name. Again. And she hated herself for it.

“I get that. I really do. All my life I was judged purely based on the fact that I´m a Luthor. But then there was you. And you didn´t care about it. You became my first real friend since… Since ever to be honest. You were the first person who overlooked the one thing that everybody would always hold over my head and treated me as if I was just Lena. So what made you think that I couldn´t do the same for you?”

Exactly, that´s what Kara had done. She never cared about her last name, why would she treat her any differently when it came to her sexuality? The problem with that issue was that it wasn´t based on anything rational. So Lena figured it wouldn´t be fair to demand an answer of Kara that she herself couldn´t find.

“You know what? Nevermind, it´s fine. Anyway, you were the first person who accepted me and I´ll forever be grateful for that. Because after that it wasn´t just you. There was Alex. And then Sam and Ruby. And James. And…”

But Kara didn´t let her finish: “James? Are you serious? When you first moved here all he did was accusing you of anything bad that happened!”

“Really?” Lena had had suspicions, but she had never been able to admit that they were true. After all James was the only one she had left for those past two years, so she couldn´t afford to see him for who he really was. But to her surprise she didn´t care. Not anymore.

-“Yeah. I was wondering why you forgave him, but I didn’t know that you had no idea. I´m sorry, I should´ve told you”

-“It´s fine, we´re done anyway. That just makes him an even bigger asshole”

Kara´s face seemed to lighten up for a second: ”Oh, I didn´t know. When did you guys break up?”

“A few hours ago. I kicked him out after I talked to Alex. To be honest I was just really shocked that he would do something like that. And the kind of person that treats their friends like that isn´t somebody I want in my life”

“You did that for me?”

“Well, as much as I`d like to take credit for that, it wasn´t the only reason. The other one was that I didn´t really love him. And also that…”

Just say it! It´s not that big of a deal.

“That I´m… you know…”

But Kara just looked at her in confusion. Obviously she did not know. How could she?

“Can you please tell me why it´s so hard to say that out loud?”, Lena asked trying to make it sound like a joke, which didn´t work. Instead she just sounded desperate.

“I mean, I can´t, if you don´t tell me what it´s about, but I can promise you that whatever you´re about to say won´t change anything about the way I see you. And that I won´t be mad if you don´t wanna tell me”

Lena could kick herself. She knew that Kara would be fine with it. Her own sister was gay.

“That´s kind of the thing, you know? I do want to tell you, I just don´t know how”

“Does it make it any better if I tell you that I can relate to that?”

Kara started laughing, and without even meaning to, Lena laughed as well. The whole situation as straight up ridiculous. And suddenly she knew it was gong to be okay. And that she could say it out loud, if only she let go of her irrational fears. She had to let her guard down for once. And Kara was the only person she felt comfortable doing that with.

“I also left him, because I don´t just not like him in that way, but any men for that matter”

“Are you saying that…?”

“That I might be a little gay? Yeah”

To her surprise Kara just hugged her. And then, even more surprisingly, she said: “While we´re on it, I might be a little bisexual to be honest”

“Oh come on, now you´re just stealing my moment”

Lena laughed, and she couldn´t believe how natural it felt. But while she was pretending to be calm, on the inside she was just freaking out. She had come out to Kara. And Kara was bi. That meant that there was at least a chance for them after all. A small one, but still a chance.

“While we´re being honest to each other, I think I´d like to tell you why I never came out. Don´t worry, I´II make it short. I think I was just so happy, that finally, there were people that didn´t see me as just a Luthor for the first time. And I didn´t want anybody to see me as just a lesbian. Because I´m not just either of those. In the first place I´ve always only wanted to be me”

“I know, Lena. There is so much more to you than that. You´re the smartest woman I know. No, forget about that, you´re the smartest person I know. You´re strong and you´re a badass and you´re the CEO of not one, but two companies. You´re kind and fight for what is right. Lena, you were never ´just´ anything. You´re everything to me”

After hearing all that the brunette was way too baffled to properly progress it: “Did I ever mention how much I love you?

Kara chuckled: “Once. You were drunk”

Lena blushed, she did remember that night. Not all of it, she had been way too drunk. But she still knew what she had told Kara. And thinking back, she had definitely not meant it in a platonic way, but her best friend couldn´t have noticed it, could she?

“So, are you gonna repeat it? You were drunk after all, so how am I supposed to know if you meant it?”

The brunette looked at her in shock, but once she realized that she was serious she gathered all her courage and said: “I did. I love you, Kara”

“Good to know. Because I love you, too”

Lena could´ve sworn that Kara´s gaze dropped to her lips for a split second before she looked her right in the eye. For a moment none of them dared to even breath, but then the blonde scooched a little closer and raised her voice: “Can we both agree that this”, she gestured around them, “us, is not completely platonic?”

For a moment Lena didn´t know what to say, but then she realized there weren´t any words to describe what she was feeling right now, so she just nodded and gently cupped Kara´s face with her hands.

She was completely aware of the fact, that she was now starring at the blonde´s lips, waiting for her to make the next move. 

“Is this okay?” Kara´s voice was barely a whisper, as she brought their faces even closer together. As a response Lena just closed her eyes and met her in the middle. Before that day she had thought about how kissing her would be different from kissing James or Jack. But now, with Kara´s lips against hers she didn´t waste a single thought of them. 

Instead she just pulled her closer, her hand getting tangled up in her hair.

When they broke apart, both gasping for air, Lena couldn´t stop herself from smiling: “If I had known it was going to be this amazing, I would´ve kissed you years ago”

“Can I just say, same?” The blonde took her hand. 

“If both of us promise to each other to be honest from now on, you can say whatever you want to”

Kara smiled and pressed a kiss to her cheek: “Sounds like a plan”

There are moments that you don´t recognize as being perfect until years later, because they are just so wholesome. But this wasn´t one of them. Because both of them knew just how lucky they were.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> Also I´d really appreciate it if you left Kudos or feedback so I know what to improve


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